It’s fifth block on an ambiguous day in January. You are a freshman. In the midst of your conversation regarding the unappreciated importance of the JV Hockey team, you hear the deafening thud of half the rain forest falling on the desk. Yes, you may not know it yet, but such support for the Brazilian logging industry can only mean one thing- Mid Year Exams have come upon us once more.
For underclassman, and freshman in particular, the “Mid Year Season” can seem like the most daunting group of tests you’ve ever taken. The study guides are long and the anticipated studying is even longer. To top it off, your friend told you something about this one test being worth like (insert freshman voice crack), an “entire term grade” or “something”. Having survived at least 25 of these exams, I’m here to dispel the rumors and lend advice to those who are foolish enough to listen to it and not seek actual help.
First, let’s talk about what the Mid Years even are. At Oliver Ames High School, every year around the middle of January every student is required to take a tediously redundant test in order to assure the top brass that you can mindlessly regurgitate information just as well as you did every week prior when you were first tested on the material. This tried and proven method helps reinforce the idea that quizlet is the secret to life the universe and everything, and that learning is synonymous with an arbitrary Phoenician symbol. Essentially, these exams separate the school into two kinds of people, those that can effectively study, and those that read this. Now I’ve talked for a while now and have yet to reveal the mystery of obtaining an A+, so here are a few tips to suppress the nerves.
1. When you find yourself in the library the day of the exam and get that “Oh Schmit” feeling because the realization that all the “studying” you did in your room was actually just scrolling through Instagram with a physics textbook open, the last thing you want to do is not panic. Use the fear of literally your entire future burning like a Mojave shrub after a three month drought to drive the panic fueled cramming session. To follow is what the religious folk call a miracle, as that mere 17 minutes of time before the exam compresses more learning than your teacher could do in four months. Whether this phenomenon is the educational equivalent of osmosis or just simply a slap in the face from God himself, the power of those 17 minutes are not to be taken for granted.
2. Let’s say you actually did have the willpower to go cold turkey on the illuminating glow of procrastination. Now, you have to decide what to prioritize first, because you didn’t kick the habit and its the night before your tests. Firstly, don’t bother with any classes that involves numbers or writing. These courses can be avoided because they are usually too complicated to fully understand in a single night, therefore, take a deep breath and accept failure as if it were a plea bargain reducing the three lifetime sentences to a cushy century an’ a quarter. Focus the ever fleeting resources of time on easy things to memorize like history or bio, that way, the D’s will be sandwiched in with a couple B+’s on the report card and no one will be the wiser.
3. Alright, the exam has finally come, and unless your were sly enough to hypothetically scribble down some formulas on the desk or stash a copy of the review sheet on a palm sized piece of paper, the time for studying has long since passed. The biblical proportions of knowledge you just gained in the minutes prior are already beginning to escape you and the scan-tron was only just passed out. The biggest question is, “what now?” I’ll tell you, as long as its multiple choice you can use this simple formula: E(eit)=(1x(M/1))-(1/M-1)x(M-1/M), which according to Javiar Garzellenvoa on the internet, (the only source of the truth, I might add), calculates the probability that the answer you picked was correct. Or just pick C.
Ultimately, if you take nothing else away from reading this clearly satirical advice on what not to do while preparing for these rather insignificant tests, just remember that even if you really try and still end up in a state of disarray, it was the teachers fault for making unfair assessments in order to personally see you flounder and to warm the staff lounge fireplace with all your college rejection letters burning in a conflagration of failure. Stay toasty my friends.