Authored by Quinn Proudler
It’s the fourth Thursday in November, you’re sitting in a fold up chair on the edge of an overly crowded table. Before you is the feeble attempt at some long lost family recipe and to each side sits a slightly overweight and intoxicated uncle. In the kitchen something’s burning and in the living room the football game is much to loud. An argument about income tax has somehow sprung up near the porch and that relative who promised to come still hasn’t shown up yet, leaving someone in furious tears. On this day, the only thing you are thankful for is that it only comes once a year.
Since Black Friday Eve is in the next couple weeks, we will examine a sort of survival guide for withstanding the greatest challenge of the family event once known as Thanksgiving: Smalltalk. Whether you stay at your house or go to a relatives, almost every american is unfortunately burdened with the company of their relatives, and like in every family, you have a mix of moderately bearable, and utterly intolerable, with the exception of that one cousin your age who, “gets it”. The constant among these people, and your inevitable conversations with them, will be the slightly awkward and disinterested smalltalk everyone has come to expect with family gatherings. Here I have listed the four most likely relatives you will encounter and how to effectively deflect their efforts to ease the uncomfortable tension.
- The Aunt Sally
First on the list is the easiest to handle. This is the individual, usually an aunt or a grandmother, that will confront you first. She will most likely be the one waiting at the door when you walk in an greet you with the dreaded relative hug. That awkward form of embarrassment that never seems natural and always lasts for to long. Following this will come the standard questions like “how are you” and “how have you been”. Since she more than likely is the host of the dinner, the scarcity of time is on your side. For this reason, most of the questions can be vanquished swiftly with the responses like good or great. The conversation in this instance is mainly rhetorical, but with the slightest deviation from script, you could end up listening to why she started dieting again or how rude the 15 year old clerk was at the store. Tread carefully.
- The Brother of your Father
Every family has this guy. He technically is your uncle but ever since that incident at the wedding, he has lived in the next state and only comes around once a year. This guy is effectively a safe zone for the rest of the night. He barely knows you and is probably so detached and uncomfortable that he doesn’t care. Besides the basic “how’s school” or “are you still playing insert sport”, he won’t ask you anything. Essentially, if you stay near him, others will assume you are conversing and leave you alone. This is reliable for up to 30 minutes.
- Art Major Jen
On this one you can face the most menacing of all opponents. The single aunt/cousin. Typically the younger sister of your mother or daughter of your uncle, she has yet to actually figure out what to do with herself, but has the impression that life altering wine fueled consul will drastically change your life to better aline with herself envisioned success. She will make certain to question everything about your social life and academic aspiration, all the while contributing her apparently relevant thoughts. If you don’t want to discuss your relationship status or lack or college plans, I strongly suggest using the sibling switch (redirecting the conversation to something related to your sibling forcing them to enter the conversation and allowing you to leave) or if you are an only child the task diversion ( the sudden need to set the table, walk the dog, get a drink, use the bathroom, or anything else available at the time).
- Frank
Frank is your Grandfather. Frank fought in two wars. Frank knows exactly why the economy is down. Frank is positive his joke was hilarious. Frank wasn’t aware what PC is. Frank has only six stories, each being similar to a feature length film. Frank will be the most tedious and time consuming obstacle on your plate. His voice is the verbal form of rewinding a VHS tape, only not as fast. The commonality of everyone at the party is to not be the last one sitting with him, for the last one cannot leave. If you are the unlucky soul voted off the turkey day island, I give thee only one bit of advice. Dig in and bunker down. Be prepared for a war of attrition while he reminds you of that thing with the bicycle for the hundredth time, or brace for impact when the idiot in the family brings up politics.
This list is just the basics. In your Holiday career you will come across many more deranged relatives and people you simply don’t want to talk to. These include the drunk uncle, the new parents, the Harvard grad, the anti-vaccinator, the underachiever, and numerous others. If you have any relatives that won’t cease talking, or an ideas for a future rant, please comment or make suggestions.